I am not a type A personality. But I definitely have some type A tendencies. Like planning and lists. I HAVE to plan. I haven't always been this way. I've always liked lists and I've always liked being in control (because, really, who doesn't?) But it really started once I had kids. You can't just up and leave for hours with kids. I guess you can but it's probably make many people miserable. Kids need naps. And food. And diaper changes. And routine.  Without a little bit of planning, they'll be missing out on at least one of those.  So.... I plan. And I make lists. And I schedule. And I have a routine.  And when one handsome man who makes decisions based off of everything BUT 'the plan' it makes me crazy. Not like I yell at him or start talking to myself. But I stew and wonder what will happen. And I have little patience for things that I can normally control.  So you can imagine how I'm functioning right now with things like this going on...

• We have slept in our own beds a total of maybe 10 times in the last month and a half.
• There has been talk about a new job opportunity (again) which would require putting the Masters Degree on hold..
• Tayv will be starting Kindergarten at a brand new school. Because it's a new school I won't find out about his schedule until right before he starts. As in, the night before.

I think the universe is trying to send me a message. Let go, Stacia. Just let go.

Clarity

There have been a few things that have happened within the last few months that spurred on my 'attitude thinking.'  A couple of which were major, life-changing boulders thrown into our path. Nate and I are planners. We don't just fly by the seat of our pants when it comes to our life plans. We've always felt like we needed to work hard, make a plan, and try to do what is right. Beyond that, if we're not headed in the direction we're supposed to be, the man upstairs will let us know.  And let us know He did. In very mind-boggling, blind siding ways that we never expected.  So we've had choices to make. Not so much choices about these changes but choices about how we're going to react.  I feel like some days we choose the better way and some days we fail miserably. We've also had friends and family members that have had issues come up. And it led me to thinking. Not just about how our attitudes affect outcome but also what determines our attitudes. Because let's face it, as much as we talk about having a better attitude, it's not always that easy. Some people are given great attitudes as a gift, some learn it while they're young, some work hard to obtain it, and some just don't care.  It occurred to me tonight one of the major factors of attitude: Entitlement. We all feel entitled to something. Some of us more or less than others. Some of us feel entitled to hand-outs, to work, to not work, to help, to happiness, to be miserable, to everything our parents have, and the list goes on.  But what really struck me is this: LIFE IS NOT MEANT TO BE EASY! Not only is life meant to be a learning experience, but it's meant to be hard. That is how we learn. The majority of our days should not automatically bring happiness. We are asked to work at it, to find happiness in small things, and to CHOOSE to be happy.  We are meant to sacrifice many things, to be tired at the end of the day, to feel sometimes like we're paddling upstream, and in the midst of all of this, recognize that we are learning, growing, and drawing nearer to the one who sacrificed everything for us. So right now, I'm okay that life isn't easy. I just may need to remind myself again tomorrow. :)

Reflection

Yesterday I spent most of the day just fighting back tears.  As I was cleaning my kitchen for what seemed like the umpteenth time in the last week, I was starting to lose the battle with these blasted emotions. 
And then I...
- Looked up at this sweet face waiting so patiently in his high chair for me to wash his hands.

 -Remembered my resolve to make sure my attitude was one that my Father in Heaven would be pleased with. One that I would want my children to imitate on a regular basis.
-Thought about the service, however small, I've been able to render recently.
-Smiled at the good report I received from Tayvin's teacher today.
-Heard my husband coming down the stairs and thought about how grateful I am that we got to eat dinner with him.
-Heard music in the background and let myself sing.
-Felt the warmth on my feet and was overwhelmed with gratitude for a warm home.
-Felt one tiny baby kick my bladder and ran to the bathroom grateful for running water.

And again, I was amazed. Amazed by the blessings in my life, the fact that my entire evening was changed by a few moments of reflection, and how much my Father in Heaven loves me.

13 miles and counting...

One day I hope to write a more lengthy, detailed version of this post but for now, since I'm on borrowed time, this will have to do.
It's been almost two weeks since we completed our half marathon and the euphoria still hasn't worn off.
I was a couple months pregnant and just getting into running again when I decided I would need a goal to get me back on track after I had the baby. Long story short, we ended up at Bear Lake on June 12th ready to run just over 13 miles. Ok, ready may be a bit of an overstatement. We really hadn't trained very consistently, I was throwing up the day before and had the worst stomach cramps I've ever experienced, and it was rainy. 
I had two goals for the race:
-finish under 3 hours (which is an immense amount of time, I realize. Please don't make fun of me.)
-run the entire way-NO WALKING!
 I DID IT!
I don't expect you to be as excited as I am about it. Heck, you don't even have to read this post if you don't want to. But I would suggest something like this to ANYONE. Aside from childbirth I've never done anything more enabling. Since I had Tahn, I've been toying with the idea of having my next baby without any medication since that's actually an option for me now. But honestly, I wasn't sure I could do it. After finishing that race, still standing, and thinking I could have made myself run a few more miles, I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to. So if you happen to be looking for a little inspiration in your life, I recommend 13 miles and then some. :) For us, there will be many, many more.

P.S. Shot blocks are AMAZING. In case you were wondering.
P.P.S. And even more amazing is my sweet, sweet husband who slowed down so he could push me the entire way. Thanks Babe!

Here we go again...

Our computer crashed. Again. Luckily, after we got it back I finally opened the box to one of my Christmas presents and backed up all my pictures. So I will only be losing the semi-important things. Anyway, I have no idea when I'll be back online so for now, in case you were wondering...

• I think I hate Dell and now want a Mac.
• I am as computer stupid as it gets. 
• Our half marathon is this weekend.
• And no, we are not ready for it.
• We did run over 8 miles last week though. Only 5 more? No prob. :)
• Tayvin has developed quite the attitude.
• We're very close to having all dental work completed for the year! (Hundreds and hundreds of dollars later.)
• I am in the midst of attempting to plan three birthday parties and one 5 year anniversary without a computer. (My mom would think I'm nuts for putting in the computer part but what can I say? I only steal ideas from others-I'm just not creative.)
• Tahnyon now says da-da, knows who all of us are by name, waves bye-bye, is starting to crawl, has his two bottom teeth, and is still my angel baby.
• We are loving the sun and enjoying having a back yard.

Our lives seem rather boring written down, don't they?

The Truth.

We were talking to some friends the other night about blogs and our own blogging.  They mentioned how it's frustrating to them that many people paint their lives as near perfect when they blog. I'm all for counting blessings and trying to look on the positive side but I think they have a point in that it seems like some are trying to deceive. So just in case you were wondering...

• My house is often messy. I try to keep it clean and for the most part it's fairly organized. But there is usually stuff on my counter, I almost always need to vacuum, and you can pretty much bet there are toys on the floor.
• I don't make Tayvin's bed everyday.
• Tayvin's chore list often goes untouched for weeks at a time.
• I make dinner most nights and try to cook healthy but I also like to bake and I LOVE SWEETS!
• We are poor.
• As much as I love making and fixing things up, if I could, I would buy new things instead of refinishing book cases, etc.
• I don't shop at boutiques because I can't afford them.
• As much as I hate waiting in check-out lanes at Walmart, I still shop there because I refuse to spend double on cleaning products.
• I DO NOT work out everyday.
• Date night usually doesn't happen in our house.
• I don't wake up to make Nate's lunch at 5:30 am.
• If we're not leaving the house, Tayvin's hair doesn't get combed.
• Sometimes we stay in our pajamas until just before Nate gets home.
• I don't really use cloth diapers to be green.  Mostly I do it to save money.
• There are plenty of days that go by that I choose to read my own book instead of reading to my kids.
• Sometimes I'm just too lazy to have veggies with our lunch.
• I still have some V-day decorations out.
• We can barely walk in the basement because I have so many projects in the works and I just haven't organized it in awhile.
• I try to be supportive but the thought of Nate going back to school still makes me want to cry.
• I am currently eating Muddy Buddies for breakfast.
• I'm too lazy to use coupons.
• Sometimes I choose to read a novel instead of the Ensign.
• Sometimes I hate the sacrifices we are making in order to make our future goals.

There you have it, the truth. Come back soon for pics of our trip to Alaska if you still care to associate with us. :)

• Oh, but the most important truth, we love our little family and are happy with our lives.

Overheard: A new one

2 weeks ago, our ward was split. So as you can imagine, there are a lot of new callings being issued.  And my sweet husband who is always willing to serve, was called to be the Young Men's president.  I'm choosing to completely leave out my opinion on it because my feelings haven't yet reached a level that I'm comfortable with.  But I will tell you this... before we went into church on Sunday, I sat in the car with Tayv so we could talk about what's happening in our lives.  We talked about the change of daddy going to school and how his new calling would mean that he'd be around even less. That while we thought we would have weekends with him, that may not be the case now.
 Tayv: "But won't we be sad?"
 Me: "Yah, we'll be sad but we'll also be happy too because we'll know that daddy is serving Heavenly Father and helping people."
 Tayv: "Yah that's true." And then, (very apprehensively) "Well, do you think we should get a new one?"
 Me: "A new what?"
 Tayv: "A new daddy."

I realize this sounds very sad. And it was, it made me cry. I debated whether or not I should tell Nate but when I did, he thought it was hilarious. I'm sure it made him a little sad but he insisted I post it here. 

And just in case you were wondering, there will be no new daddy getting around here.

Change

Our number one goal in moving to Utah (besides being closer to family for a little while) was for Nate to get his MBA.  Although it didn't turn out quite like we had planned,  we will acheive that goal... 4 years after we moved here.  Nate will be starting the Professional MBA program at the U this August. It was a hard decision for us to make, but especially Nate. For the first three years of our marriage, we were both in school. Then we lived in different states for a few months.  We had Tayvin just over a year after we got married. Thus, Nate missed the first two years of his life.  So you can understand why he wouldn't want to repeat that with Tahnyon and our next baby.  But it's what he loves, it's what he needs, and it will be good for us....in the end. I try not to think about the 80 plus hours a week he'll be gone, the dinners eaten alone, the fact that Tayv will attend preschool and kindergarten while Nate is away at school, the summers we'll enjoy while Nate is in class, the missed steps, words, and milestones of Tahn's, going through pregnancy alone, etc.
Instead, I picture Nate's face when he talks about school and that's all I need.

Kindness

I've been thinking about kindness a lot recently. About how often I show it and how often I don't. About the people in this world who seem to not know the meaning of it and the many more people in this world that do.
Yesterday I had two experiences that reminded me to get out of my comfort zone, notice those around me, and do all that I can to help them.
So thank you to the man at the DMV that was understanding and kind to this un-licensed mother of two kids (one of which was tired and crying) who truly appreciated your kindness.
And thank you to the sweet old man that saw an overloaded mother and took the 2 minutes out of his time to help me out and remind me of the kindness of others.

Truly. Thank you.

Overheard

While praying: "And thank you that daddy can go to work everyday. Except for Sundays. And except for the days that we want to go to Grandma & Grandpa's house."
Maybe he is learning something worthwhile.

Nate has a few business trips coming up, one of them being tomorrow. Tonight in the car he rudely interrupted to say, "Dad, we will miss you when you're gone." :)

And the other day out of the blue... "Mom, I will really miss you guys when you're dead!"
LOL-Us too buddy, us too!
Luckily we're not quite as old as he thinks we are.

Leprachaun Trap

Happy St. Patricks day. Tomorrow. Nate thinks I'm crazy-pretty much I can't stop myself when any holiday comes around. The only thing that can stop me is my dwindling bank account. :(  Anyway, so Tayv & I made a Leprachaun trap today. Ya know, if you catch a leprachaun he'll lead you to a pot of gold? That whole thing. Well, in our house, we'll catch the leprachaun and in order for him to be able to use his magic to get out, he has to leave his gold.  So I've been trying to talk it up for a few days now and Tayv went along with it. Until we were in the middle of making the trap today. That's when Tayv's sweet heart couldn't take anymore. He said he didn't want to catch a leprachaun because tricking is not nice. What do I say to that?

The trap...

The gold...

And there will be little green leprachaun footprints... :)

Rolos picture found here.

Today is one of those days I wish I drank. It's not a feeling I get too often. I messed up tonight-big time. I make mistakes all the time but this was one of those eat you up inside, can't stop crying, wish with everything you have that you could go back and change it. I'm one of those people who doesn't regret anything. I can always find something that was learned from a mistake and be glad that it happened so I could learn the lesson. And there was a lesson to be learned-I think. But I'd still take it back.  The worst part is, I was just trying to serve others and serve my Lord. So I'm not even sure if what I did was wrong-but it hurt so it must be, right?  And is it fair for me to hold others to the same high standards I try to hold myself to?
And my sweet, sweet, Tayvin.  It'd been a long day. I offered to take dinner to a lady that just moved in down the street a few weeks ago and had a baby last week. I burnt it.  I rarely cry, but that set me off-I was just trying to be nice. Tayv heard me crying. When he wouldn't take "for a lot of reasons" as the answer to his question of why I was sad, I told him because I burnt the dinner. "Don't worry mommy, I'll make it not burnt with my magic!" Then I let him come with me to deliver it and the whole way he kept saying, "Ok, so we'll take them this dinner and these cookies then you won't be sad anymore?" :)
Skip ahead several hours after I messed up royally- Tayvin caught me crying and just kept asking, "Mommy why are you sad?" He refused to get back in bed or do anything else until he knew.  I told him I was sad because I made a bad choice. I wasn't here when Tahn (who is sick) needed me, I wasn't here when daddy (who is also sick) needed to get some sleep and had to take care of the boys, and I wasn't here to see Tayvin's cool fort he built with daddy. His response? He covered my mouth so I couldn't cry anymore and told me, "Don't worry mommy, please don't be sad, I'll build another one for you to see tomorrow."  Why am I so blessed with such a sweet and forgiving little angel?