Live without pretending

Snippets from our day...
-By the end of the day today, I had chocolate on my shoulder from consoling one sad little girl. My hair never got done. I didn't get to shower and my feet are black.
-For over half of the day there was jam everywhere you looked in my kitchen.
-Now there are 13 jars of jam waiting to be put away just sitting on my counter.
-One little girl stayed in her pajamas all day.
-Until she ran around outside without her shirt on because her brothers were.
-And then she ditched the shorts too.
-That same little girl had bloody toes from refusing to wear her shoes outside.
-One little boy went through 3 outfits because he got all of them wet playing with the hose that he wasn't supposed to be playing with.
-That same little boy had to be spanked today and cried himself to sleep.
-We cleaned up ALL the toys in the playroom twice.
-While mowing the lawn, I had to stop no less than 50 times for various things... a crying little girl, stuck fingers, a story about what happened at school, flip flops that kept appearing in my path, rocks that had been dumped in the grass out of one little boy's favorite yellow dump truck, fire ant bites, praises for tree climbing, a pair of glasses that were about to get broke, tricks on the tramp, arguments, etc
-One not-so-little-anymore boy ripped some newish pants while climbing trees. But he also got much higher than ever before.
-That same boy got to feel his baby brother kick today.
-I am on day 4 of NO yelling.
-Our little miss fell down the stairs again.
-The little boy also put two holes in two different screens.
-We ate dinner outside. Sitting on the cement. With filthy hands. While attempting to have a belated FHE.
-My pregnant brain didn't put the butter dish back where it goes and now it's completely lost.
-There was a little bum crack poking out at me while a little boy bent over to look at bugs and search for a 'really huge snake' that he was sure he saw hiding by a tree.
-My butt went numb sitting on the floor waiting for somebody to go to sleep.
-Soccer has taken over our life and has resulted in canceled dates and temple plans twice now.
-My 'spotless yesterday' house is... not so spotless anymore.
-The clothes hamper is full again. It's only been 2 days.
-I had a tiny foot or hand jabbing me in one specific spot all. day. long.
I'm exhausted. But I'm keeping it in perspective. Because all of these little things are what make us us. And they are my life.
Yah. My life is a BEAUTIFUL MESS. And I kind of love it.

Baby #4...

Has sure thrown me for a loop.
Since we decided to wait to tell our parents or anyone else until I was quite far along, and because this will most likely be my last pregnancy, I have been writing all of this down as we go so it's kind of like talking to my mom and for the memories...

-I almost got our electricity disconnected in the middle of January... The coldest it's been here. The same day a cat froze to death on our lawn.
-I just flat out forgot to tell my primary kids they would be singing in sacrament the next Sunday.
-I literally did not change out of the same pajamas three days in a row. I didn't even brush my hair. I did brush my teeth without throwing up.
-Not entirely sure we can blame this on pregnancy but Tahnyon nearly severed his finger with a kitchen knife resulting in a surgery and thousands of dollars in hospital bills. I was one frantic pregnant mommy when I saw all that blood and a finger hanging off. So much so, that Nate thought we should have them check the baby out while we were at the hospital. The panic... THAT, I can blame on baby #4.
-Merely pinning food on Pinterest throws me into dry heaves.
-And on top of that, if I happen to be looking at pictures of something (like quinoa) I can smell it. Like overwhelmingly so.
-I've been so much 'sicker' this time that Nate is sure I'm having twins.
-My Christmas wreaths didn't come down until Jan 29.
-I started regularly going to bed before 10:00. You know it's bad when Stacia's asleep before midnight.
-I told Nate one night while I was trying to decide what to make for dinner... "I just want to throw up and then eat all the food at all the restaurants-is that too much to ask?" Then an hour or so later I ate an ENTIRE foot long sub by myself. That's a lot of food, folks!
-I wake up sobbing often. I have CRAZY nightmares when I'm pregnant. And now I've developed this irrational fear of riding in the same car as my kids, Nate, and my parents lest we get in an accident and I am the only one to survive.
-Arahlee's b-day came and went without a huge party. You know I love a good party. But I still wasn't feeling great, had no energy, and decided that since she doesn't really have friends to invite it would be ok to forgo the big party.
-Tayv & I had his valentines planned out for a month. The night before he needed them I still hadn't worked on them much and had no desire to do them. He did make it to school with Valentines though. :)
-The many times I almost fell asleep driving after 2 minutes because I'm now ALWAYS uncharacteristically tired.
-The two glucose tests I failed.
-The day I found out that I wouldn't get to use my beautiful baby girl name that I have been fixated on.

Of course there's been plenty of good...
-like when my VT brought me brownies because Nate was out of town and Tahn's dr appt turned out to be a useless waste of time and money. And she didn't know I was pregnant or that I had been craving brownies that day.
-When we told the kids and Tayvin wouldn't stop talking about and to the baby for... Well, he still hasn't stopped. :)
-When Aree, Tahn, and I played on the tramp with balls in our shirts while they talked all about having babies in their bellies.
-When Nate held me night after night because I was so sick and just wanted to die.
-when Nate refused when I asked him to just shoot me now. Guess I didn't actually want him to.
-Cherry luden cough drops.
-When I discovered that Frozen gogurt (which i normally despise) helped my stomach and the kids thought I was the coolest for letting them eat three in one sitting all because mommy needed to.
-The night I ate two, almost three, ice cream sandwiches because, surprise , I can stomach those too.
-Feb 19th- the day I got to see my baby for the first time. And he/she waved at me. I'm not even kidding. It's hand was up by its mouth and then it started waving and didn't stop for a good ten seconds. It was the cutest. I also found out that day that my lump is completely gone and we don't have to worry about that anymore.
-The day we found out we're getting another sweet little boy. And most of all, that he's healthy.

How to make chocolate milk...

According to Tahnyon.
you just shake it. Then you pour it in a cup. Then you drink it then its all gone. And it's good.

Overheard: Tahnyon's prayer tonight...

Because this is cute enough to make me forget every infuriating moment this kid has caused lately...

The parts I can remember...
"Thank you Jesus can watch ober us. Thank you that daddy can be my daddy. Thank you grandpa can make sure we mum(come) to his house when we get to mum to his house. Thank you Grandpa can share his food with us when we get to mum to his house. Thank you Grandpa will let us feed his courses (horses) apples when we get to mum to his house. Thank you mommy and daddy can watch ober me like Jesus does."

And the next day... "Thank you bampa nan be my bampa. Thank you Aree nan be in our fam-fee. Thank you bampa man be nice and safe."

Living in reality...

I try to keep it real here. Chalk one up for the bad days blogged...
Frankly, I've had it with two and three year olds. Somebody PLEASE tell me that girls figure out how to handle their emotions for at least a few years before they become teenagers. And while you're at it, can you promise me that boys eventually stop breaking things? I'm pretty sure Aree is going to cry for the rest of her life. The emotions! Over everything!
And Tahnyon... Well, let's just say that no matter how careful we are I have sent Tayvin's glasses in 5 times to get them fixed in the last 6 months. And that's not counting how many times I've fixed them myself. We usually get them back, he gets to wear them for a few days and then Tahnyon breaks them again. And the cut finger thing? (Which I will blog about soon.) I can't even begin to tell you about the amount of time/money we've spent just trying to keep his tendons intact since the surgery. Nothing slows him down. And if it does, he eliminates it.
There's really no point to this post. Other than when they're all in school or married with their own kids I'll be able to look back, remember, and probably miss these days. Even the bad ones.

Overheard:Grandpa's house

Tahnyon running inside after riding his bike with his 'mo-mer-cycle' helmet on: "Mom, nan you come fix my mo-mer-cycle?" Me: "Yah, I guess. Give me just a minute." Tahnyon: "k, thanks. Cause I ready to go to Bampa Tony's house. I gon-ga go fru the water and fru the woods. Cause that's where daddy told me their house is. Fru the water, fru the woods."

Tayvin and his big golden heart

Years ago I wrote a long post about Tayvin's heart and my determination to not let the world dim it's glow. I don't often forget about that. Sometimes I feel like I do really well at helping him act upon his desires to love and serve others. And often I feel like I'm not doing enough. But the fabulous thing is... I'm not alone. There's this pretty incredible man in my life that also happens to be a wonderful daddy. And between him, me, Tayvin, Heavenly Father and our Savior- Tayv's heart is growing and shining even more. He is always trying to cheer others up. He tells Aree and Tahnyon how much he loves them all the time. He gives random hugs and kisses. He talks about how we can help people. He draws pictures of Christ all the time. He earnestly prays for everyone. I came across this picture today and it reminded me of his wonderfully sweet spirit and his focus on what is important. I always want to remember this.

Overheard: Tahnyon

Mommy: "Tahn, if you're going outside make sure you don't take off your Spider-Man costume." (This is often a problem)
Tahn:"Yah, cause we don't want anyone to see my bummy or my privates."
Mommy:"right!"
Tahn:"Yah, cause we only show those to the toi-yet."


And on another note: On Sunday I asked the kids to put ALL of their church clothes in the hamper except for their ties. (This is different for them because I don't wash their suits every week.) Today, as I was sorting the laundry, I found Tahnyon's church shoes in the hamper. :) I guess the kid listens sometimes....

Myrtle Beach

Nate has been spending most of his time down in Myrtle Beach for the last few months so we decided to join him the day after Christmas for a mini vacation. It wasn't super warm but the beach was a good distraction from the fact that it was our first Christmas ever with no snow!
Oh how I love that place!!!

And, thankfully, at the end of the week we get daddy back and his travel will be much more rare.

Jesus wants me for a....

SUNBEAM!!
We're still working on sitting still in one chair... Especially while mommy is leading singing time but Tahn is sure excited to be a "big boy that goes to cry-mary now!"

Overheard...

-I just got called to be the primary chorister in our new ward. I was asking Tahnyon what songs he wanted me to sing in nursery tomorrow. He told me, "Um... Popcorn popping. But sometimes I don't like to sing that song." Me: "Oh, really, why not?" Tahn: "Because it makes me look out the window." Well, gee kid, don't extend yourself too far. :) -Tayvin was in his room for talking disrespectfully one afternoon. When I went and asked him if he was ready to talk about it he looked at me very seriously and told me.... "My silent moments with you are now forever!" Hahahaha! I seriously could not keep a straight face for even a second. Where did this kid come from?

Excuse me, while I vomit.

Why you ask? Because, once again, I just realized what a huge thing it is that we're doing. Indulge me for just a minute... You know how after becoming a mother it randomly hits you every now and then that you are solely responsible for another human being. You. have. to. keep. them. alive! Most of the time you're good, just doing your thing, fulfilling responsibilities. Then when it hits, it hits like a ton of bricks. And you get light-headed. And want to cry. And you DO cry. And then you get sick and puke because you realize how big this responsibility really is. As if you haven't been doing exactly what it is that is scaring you. Well, that's what just happened to me. Again. You see, 2 weeks ago, out of the blue, we decided to up and move our family to North Carolina. A place where I had never been (and still haven't) and Nate has been to for 24 hours-just long enough to interview for a job. And we leave in 2 days. And Tayvin was supposed to start school yesterday but didn't. So he'll go to his first day of 1st grade in a strange state, strange school, with no friends. And he'll ride the bus for the first time knowing nobody. A school with no Chinese immersion program. And he'll eat lunch at school for the first time by himself. And when I think of that sweet boy (who is acting so brave about all of this) doing all of this alone, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry like a baby. (Which I did do, btw, for 2.5 hours.) And then I think of Tahnyon who is attatched to my dad at the hip. And he's so excited to move to "Nort Car-ca-yina" but has no idea what is coming... That he won't see his grandpa every few weeks anymore. That the horses will be fed without him. That his muddy 'moose boots' will have to relinquish their spot in grandpa's garage or stay there until they no longer fit his cute little/big feet. That the hook his cowboy hat hangs on will be empty for who knows how long. And then I do curl up in a ball. And then I think of Miss Arahlee-who just started calling Grandma "mah-ma" and riding with grandpa. I think of how much older she'll be before we can bring her back to visit. I think of SO many wonderful friends/neighbors/family that we are leaving behind....And then I do cry like a baby. Or vomit. :) But once all of that is out of my system: I think about the incredible opportunity this is going to be for Nate and the success I know he'll have, I think about all of the good I've heard about NC, the history sites that we're all dying to see, and the southern manners that my kids will be exposed to. I think of cute tiny southern drawls and the ethnic diversity that my children will grow up with. And I take a deep breath, get back to packing, and know that everything is going to be alright.

Overheard:

Me: "Tahn, what do you have?" Tahn: "The ma-mote?" (remote) Me: "What do you need the remote for?" Tahn: "Cause I da boss." ______________ Tahn kept saying something and I couldn't understand. When I don't get it, usually Tayv does. He didn't either. We kept guessing. Finally Tahn said very calmly: "No, that is not the word that I am say-hing." :)

Overhead : Bampa

Staying true to form, Tahnyon and my dad are BEST BUDDIES and pretty much can't get enough of each other.

Me: "Tahn, will you say the prayer please? "
Tahn: "Yes. Hefee Fafer, Thank you this day. Thank you bampa. Thank you bless I go bampa's house. Name of Bampa, amen."

<3

Overheard:

Walking out of church yesterday...

Tayv: "Mom, this is the picture I colored in cry-mary today. This one is a picture of me and daddy. And on the other side is a picture of you in the hospital."

Me: "Oh? You put me in the hospital?"

Tayv: "Well, my teacher asked us to draw a picture of something that would be a good reason to fast."